11am - Okay, so I'm one meal and 50 minutes into this new journey, but I needed to document that I actually started. I had a Fruit & Nut Bar and 2 glasses of water (one 16.9 oz water bottle) flavored with Peach Tea Crystal Light. I took the full 15 minutes to eat (okay, it was really only 12 minutes), and I drank all of the water and I tried to think about each bite - the flavors, the texture, the feeling inside as I was eating, etc. - all the things it tells me in the book and the Quick Start Guide. I've re-read chapters 1 - 5 of Habits of Health and I'm going to get started on the workbook pages this time too.
For now, I have so much schoolwork to do and I'm struggling to figure out where to start. I'm on a good path, but just need to nail down and solidify what it is I'm going to be doing the first three weeks of school and then I'll be able to feel better and more prepared. I have this upcoming week to finish it all and then next week the kids are back! Hard to believe the summer is over, teacher training is in full swing and I'm livin' the dream. Cheers to a new journey!
2:00pm - I've just eaten my second meal: Garlic Mashed Potatoes and I'm feeling good. I'm 6 waters in so far and I've only had 2 Diet Dr. Peppers - cans, not actual "drinks" from Circle K. I'm taking this very seriously and being very mindful and slow while I eat. Next meal is at 4:30pm.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Monday, July 25, 2016
Three Years Later
Here we are three years later, I'm fatter than ever and restarting my Take Shape for Life journey. I weigh over 300 pounds and I'm not okay with that so I just clicked the "order" button and within 5 - 7 days my journey will begin again.
Aside from that, life is good. The kids are now: 9, 7, and 4. Allyson and I have been doing really well and my meds are working as they should. I will start this school year (August 10th) as the new drama teacher at my alma matter, Mountain View High School and I'm beyond thrilled and excited and scared and elated. Last year I was a long-term sub as the drama teacher at Red Mountain High School so that was my first "first year," but this is my "real" first year as a teacher as this comes with a salary and a contract. :) YAY!!
Okay, off to bed now - it's 2am and I need to get my body used to being up at 7am again as my training all starts this Thursday.
Peace & Love to all...
Aside from that, life is good. The kids are now: 9, 7, and 4. Allyson and I have been doing really well and my meds are working as they should. I will start this school year (August 10th) as the new drama teacher at my alma matter, Mountain View High School and I'm beyond thrilled and excited and scared and elated. Last year I was a long-term sub as the drama teacher at Red Mountain High School so that was my first "first year," but this is my "real" first year as a teacher as this comes with a salary and a contract. :) YAY!!
Okay, off to bed now - it's 2am and I need to get my body used to being up at 7am again as my training all starts this Thursday.
Peace & Love to all...
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Here We Go Again
Met with Dr. Reesal this morning. I. Love. Him. Can I just say that?! Seriously, that man is so validating to me and helps me feel LESS crazy than I am, but still keeps it all in perspective for me. I know that I've still got A LOT of work, but after I leave his office I feel better.
Usually.
Today, I feel tired. Blah. Buggy and just exhausted. And why? Because I have a lovely disorder called bipolarity. The sucky thing about my bipolar disorder is that my highs aren't very high, but my lows are very low. I'm in a constant state of "eh" to "suck" and not much higher.
He helped me understand that my brain is broken - not ME. We talked about my work situation and how that environment effects me differently on different days. Some days I'm on top of the world and can handle anything that comes my way. However, the very next day (or week, etc.) I can be in the exact same situation and I will feel as if the world is ending, everyone hates me, and that I'm being judged and ridiculed. My constant nagging, "you're not good enough" voice starts screaming and I become hyper-sensitive and sink deeper into my depression, and it pretty much feels like this:
Ain't mental disease grand? Aren't you wishing you had all this crazy to deal with too? No? Hm, guess you're just lucky. It's really hard to get out of bed most days, to force myself to shower, get dressed and go to work, talk to my kids, interact with friends and family when all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and escape the hell that is my life. Most days I can fake it. Most days I can do what I HAVE to do, or what I absolutely MUST do, but it seems like trudging through mud and I just can't wait to get home and go to bed. Which, doesn't make a whole lot of sense because I suffer from insomnia as well - which I discovered was a side effect if you will to my disorder. Basically it's good times all around in Jereland. Be jealous.
So, I contacted my counselor today and have set up weekly meetings because I don't function well on every-other-week sessions. My crazy needs more work and waiting 13 days between meetings just isn't cutting it for me. Hopefully we'll get this thing figured out and I'll be on the road to success soon. Today I got new meds and we'll see how these work. It's all trial and error which is frustrating in and of itself, but anything is worth trying at this point and I want to be better. So there's that.
Now, I'm going to take a nap because I'm feeling overwhelmed and very tired - got up early and have been going non-stop since then on three and a half hours of sleep.
Usually.
Today, I feel tired. Blah. Buggy and just exhausted. And why? Because I have a lovely disorder called bipolarity. The sucky thing about my bipolar disorder is that my highs aren't very high, but my lows are very low. I'm in a constant state of "eh" to "suck" and not much higher.
He helped me understand that my brain is broken - not ME. We talked about my work situation and how that environment effects me differently on different days. Some days I'm on top of the world and can handle anything that comes my way. However, the very next day (or week, etc.) I can be in the exact same situation and I will feel as if the world is ending, everyone hates me, and that I'm being judged and ridiculed. My constant nagging, "you're not good enough" voice starts screaming and I become hyper-sensitive and sink deeper into my depression, and it pretty much feels like this:
Ain't mental disease grand? Aren't you wishing you had all this crazy to deal with too? No? Hm, guess you're just lucky. It's really hard to get out of bed most days, to force myself to shower, get dressed and go to work, talk to my kids, interact with friends and family when all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and escape the hell that is my life. Most days I can fake it. Most days I can do what I HAVE to do, or what I absolutely MUST do, but it seems like trudging through mud and I just can't wait to get home and go to bed. Which, doesn't make a whole lot of sense because I suffer from insomnia as well - which I discovered was a side effect if you will to my disorder. Basically it's good times all around in Jereland. Be jealous.
So, I contacted my counselor today and have set up weekly meetings because I don't function well on every-other-week sessions. My crazy needs more work and waiting 13 days between meetings just isn't cutting it for me. Hopefully we'll get this thing figured out and I'll be on the road to success soon. Today I got new meds and we'll see how these work. It's all trial and error which is frustrating in and of itself, but anything is worth trying at this point and I want to be better. So there's that.
Now, I'm going to take a nap because I'm feeling overwhelmed and very tired - got up early and have been going non-stop since then on three and a half hours of sleep.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
The Cycle of Suck
I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being stuck in a constant cycle of suck. I feel better, like I'm making progress, the meds are working, etc and then out of nowhere I suddenly feel stuck, cramped, and like I'm back in a rut again. I want to feel better, but I'm afraid that's a long way off. Hell, compared to what I'm feeling now I'd settle for "just okay," because that's got to be a million times better than whatever this is.
I don't believe in happiness. I don't think it's something that everyone just gets to be. I think there are certainly people who are, and who get to have happiness, but like the founders of this nation said, "the pursuit of happiness," not a guarantee of happiness. I think I'm one of those that isn't going to get there - at least, not in this life. This is not to say that I don't experience moments of happiness (i.e.: getting married, the birth of my children, opening nights, etc.), but I don't think I'll ever have sustained happiness. When my nephew left for his mission he said something in his talk along these same lines, something like: some people will struggle and search for happiness, but will not find it in this life. I thought, *ding* THAT'S ME!! I think he's absolutely right.
I take medicine every day to get through the day. I take more medicine at night so I can sleep through the night. Then, I wake up and take more medicine to make it through the next day and so on every day after every day. This is my reality. I have a broken brain and need medicine to help it work more normally, but when will it actually get normal? When will the voices stop, the self-loathing cease, the constant worry and anxiety resolve? It never does, and this is my life. This is the hell that is my existence - the cycle of suck that is me. And with that, I'm going to go take my meds and get started on my homework that's due tomorrow...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)