Here We Go Again

Met with Dr. Reesal this morning.  I. Love. Him.  Can I just say that?!  Seriously, that man is so validating to me and helps me feel LESS crazy than I am, but still keeps it all in perspective for me.  I know that I've still got A LOT of work, but after I leave his office I feel better.

Usually.

Today, I feel tired.  Blah.  Buggy and just exhausted.  And why?  Because I have a lovely disorder called bipolarity.  The sucky thing about my bipolar disorder is that my highs aren't very high, but my lows are very low.  I'm in a constant state of "eh" to "suck" and not much higher.

He helped me understand that my brain is broken - not ME.  We talked about my work situation and how that environment effects me differently on different days.  Some days I'm on top of the world and can handle anything that comes my way.  However, the very next day (or week, etc.) I can be in the exact same situation and I will feel as if the world is ending, everyone hates me, and that I'm being judged and ridiculed.  My constant nagging, "you're not good enough" voice starts screaming and I become hyper-sensitive and sink deeper into my depression, and it pretty much feels like this:

Ain't mental disease grand?  Aren't you wishing you had all this crazy to deal with too?  No?  Hm, guess you're just lucky.  It's really hard to get out of bed most days, to force myself to shower, get dressed and go to work, talk to my kids, interact with friends and family when all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and escape the hell that is my life.  Most days I can fake it.  Most days I can do what I HAVE to do, or what I absolutely MUST do, but it seems like trudging through mud and I just can't wait to get home and go to bed.  Which, doesn't make a whole lot of sense because I suffer from insomnia as well - which I discovered was a side effect if you will to my disorder.  Basically it's good times all around in Jereland.  Be jealous.

So, I contacted my counselor today and have set up weekly meetings because I don't function well on every-other-week sessions.  My crazy needs more work and waiting 13 days between meetings just isn't cutting it for me.  Hopefully we'll get this thing figured out and I'll be on the road to success soon.  Today I got new meds and we'll see how these work.  It's all trial and error which is frustrating in and of itself, but anything is worth trying at this point and I want to be better.  So there's that.

Now, I'm going to take a nap because I'm feeling overwhelmed and very tired - got up early and have been going non-stop since then on three and a half hours of sleep.