The Cycle of Suck

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being stuck in a constant cycle of suck.  I feel better, like I'm making progress, the meds are working, etc and then out of nowhere I suddenly feel stuck, cramped, and like I'm back in a rut again.  I want to feel better, but I'm afraid that's a long way off.  Hell, compared to what I'm feeling now I'd settle for "just okay," because that's got to be a million times better than whatever this is.

I don't believe in happiness.  I don't think it's something that everyone just gets to be.  I think there are certainly people who are, and who get to have happiness, but like the founders of this nation said, "the pursuit of happiness," not a guarantee of happiness.  I think I'm one of those that isn't going to get there - at least, not in this life.  This is not to say that I don't experience moments of happiness (i.e.: getting married, the birth of my children, opening nights, etc.), but I don't think I'll ever have sustained happiness.  When my nephew left for his mission he said something in his talk along these same lines, something like: some people will struggle and search for happiness, but will not find it in this life.  I thought, *ding* THAT'S ME!!  I think he's absolutely right.

I take medicine every day to get through the day.  I take more medicine at night so I can sleep through the night.  Then, I wake up and take more medicine to make it through the next day and so on every day after every day.  This is my reality.  I have a broken brain and need medicine to help it work more normally, but when will it actually get normal?   When will the voices stop, the self-loathing cease, the constant worry and anxiety resolve?  It never does, and this is my life.  This is the hell that is my existence - the cycle of suck that is me.  And with that, I'm going to go take my meds and get started on my homework that's due tomorrow...