Here We Go Again

Met with Dr. Reesal this morning.  I. Love. Him.  Can I just say that?!  Seriously, that man is so validating to me and helps me feel LESS crazy than I am, but still keeps it all in perspective for me.  I know that I've still got A LOT of work, but after I leave his office I feel better.

Usually.

Today, I feel tired.  Blah.  Buggy and just exhausted.  And why?  Because I have a lovely disorder called bipolarity.  The sucky thing about my bipolar disorder is that my highs aren't very high, but my lows are very low.  I'm in a constant state of "eh" to "suck" and not much higher.

He helped me understand that my brain is broken - not ME.  We talked about my work situation and how that environment effects me differently on different days.  Some days I'm on top of the world and can handle anything that comes my way.  However, the very next day (or week, etc.) I can be in the exact same situation and I will feel as if the world is ending, everyone hates me, and that I'm being judged and ridiculed.  My constant nagging, "you're not good enough" voice starts screaming and I become hyper-sensitive and sink deeper into my depression, and it pretty much feels like this:

Ain't mental disease grand?  Aren't you wishing you had all this crazy to deal with too?  No?  Hm, guess you're just lucky.  It's really hard to get out of bed most days, to force myself to shower, get dressed and go to work, talk to my kids, interact with friends and family when all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and escape the hell that is my life.  Most days I can fake it.  Most days I can do what I HAVE to do, or what I absolutely MUST do, but it seems like trudging through mud and I just can't wait to get home and go to bed.  Which, doesn't make a whole lot of sense because I suffer from insomnia as well - which I discovered was a side effect if you will to my disorder.  Basically it's good times all around in Jereland.  Be jealous.

So, I contacted my counselor today and have set up weekly meetings because I don't function well on every-other-week sessions.  My crazy needs more work and waiting 13 days between meetings just isn't cutting it for me.  Hopefully we'll get this thing figured out and I'll be on the road to success soon.  Today I got new meds and we'll see how these work.  It's all trial and error which is frustrating in and of itself, but anything is worth trying at this point and I want to be better.  So there's that.

Now, I'm going to take a nap because I'm feeling overwhelmed and very tired - got up early and have been going non-stop since then on three and a half hours of sleep. 

The Cycle of Suck

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being stuck in a constant cycle of suck.  I feel better, like I'm making progress, the meds are working, etc and then out of nowhere I suddenly feel stuck, cramped, and like I'm back in a rut again.  I want to feel better, but I'm afraid that's a long way off.  Hell, compared to what I'm feeling now I'd settle for "just okay," because that's got to be a million times better than whatever this is.

I don't believe in happiness.  I don't think it's something that everyone just gets to be.  I think there are certainly people who are, and who get to have happiness, but like the founders of this nation said, "the pursuit of happiness," not a guarantee of happiness.  I think I'm one of those that isn't going to get there - at least, not in this life.  This is not to say that I don't experience moments of happiness (i.e.: getting married, the birth of my children, opening nights, etc.), but I don't think I'll ever have sustained happiness.  When my nephew left for his mission he said something in his talk along these same lines, something like: some people will struggle and search for happiness, but will not find it in this life.  I thought, *ding* THAT'S ME!!  I think he's absolutely right.

I take medicine every day to get through the day.  I take more medicine at night so I can sleep through the night.  Then, I wake up and take more medicine to make it through the next day and so on every day after every day.  This is my reality.  I have a broken brain and need medicine to help it work more normally, but when will it actually get normal?   When will the voices stop, the self-loathing cease, the constant worry and anxiety resolve?  It never does, and this is my life.  This is the hell that is my existence - the cycle of suck that is me.  And with that, I'm going to go take my meds and get started on my homework that's due tomorrow...